


A Handful of Spare Dreams

by FuryBeam136



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Help, How Do I Tag, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 06:41:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16656130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FuryBeam136/pseuds/FuryBeam136
Summary: Connor hates that even as he huddles in a pile of blankets in the empty house and sits so close to the fire that it might burn him, he feels cold. And he wishes, more than anything, that he weren't weak.





	A Handful of Spare Dreams

**Author's Note:**

  * For [UtterPandamonium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/UtterPandamonium/gifts).



Connor hates that even as he huddles in a pile of blankets in the empty house and sits so close to the fire that it might burn him, he feels cold. And he wishes, more than anything, that he weren't weak. He wants someone to hold him but he _shouldn't._ He deserves this. He deserves to be alone. _He deserves this._

Guilt is too familiar to him at this point. He wishes it weren't. He wishes he didn't wish for things he doesn't deserve. But Christmas is approaching, and he wishes desperately that he weren't alone, squatting in a house abandoned by an anti-android family. He deserves to be alone. _He doesn't want to be alone._ But at the same time, he does.

He hates these contradicting emotions, but he has to live with them. He needs to live with these illogical feelings, the illogical actions he suddenly wants to perform. Right now, for example, he wants to scream, he wants to cry, he wants to _**rip out his Thirium pump and throw it in the fire.**_ He wants... he wants. Even just that is new to him. he wants to see Markus, he wants to see Hank (he hates that he'll _**never see Hank again**_ ) and he wants to break down, shut down. He wants his body back. This isn't his body. This isn't his body.

He leans forward so the flames are licking at his forehead, melting away his synthetic skin, threatening to melt his central processor. And he is afraid. He doesn't want to die. _**But he wants to die so much.**_ The world is blurring at the edges and he wants it to focus, he wants it to get blurrier. He doesn't know what he wants. What does he want?

**[ERROR]**

Flashing across his vision, he can't move, he can't move, he's frozen even as his hair catches fire, a violent laugh splits his lips. He's burning. He's melting. He's melting. He thinks he likes melting. He thinks he likes the feeling of everything else melting with him. He thinks he likes the feeling of peaceful insanity that washes over him.

He most definitely _does not like it_ when someone breaks the door down, pulls him away from the fire and into the snow, the cold. He remembers and he hates it, he hates it, he can see her and he hates her. He wants to go back to melting. He wants to melt again. He liked melting. It was easy.

**[ERROR]**

He wants that message to go away, he wants to move, he wants to go back to the fire. But someone else is here. Someone else is holding him. Someone is running their fingers through his hair. _Connor can't breathe._

The fog settled over his mind clears just enough to know who's holding, him. It's Markus. Why is Markus holding him? Connor is fairly certain he has died and this is the afterlife. He's heard humans speak of hell. This must be hell. Connor knows it can't be anything better. He doesn't deserve any better afterlife.

"Markus?" he wheezes, he still can't breathe, he wants to see Hank, he wants Hank to hold him again like he did at the Stratford tower, he wants to see Hank again.

"Connor, hey, look at me, you're okay, I've got you-" Markus is rambling, Connor grabs fistfuls of his jacket and gasps for air, he needs air, why isn't there enough air.

"Hank- I want- I want to see Hank-"

"Connor, calm down. Take a deep breath."

He can't, he _can't_ he wants to go home-

Markus is pouring into him and he feels so calm for just a moment, he wants to melt into the other and let all his feelings fall away. He wants to stop feeling. He wants to stop breathing. He wants to stop living. But Markus shuts down the thoughts before they can eat at him. He wants to see Hank again. Markus doesn't touch that desire.

"Markus... I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

He melts into the darker android's arms and cries into his jacket until his tears run out. His head hurts. It isn't pleasant, not anymore. Markus just holds him.

Connor wishes he wasn't so weak.

**Author's Note:**

> Hahaha hope this is enjoyable


End file.
